Feminine Codependency

Can I say more about feminine codependency, and what it looks like in modern relationships?

So feminine codependency is rooted in the assumption that she cannot take care of her material needs, and especially those of her children, without a male partner to provide for her.

Now, until a few generations ago, society was structured to keep women dependent on men who wanted children known to be their genetic offspring. The cornerstones of this social structure were 1) making sure women did not control their own fertility, 2) making sure women didn’t have access to material resources except through a male provider, and 3) making sure that women didn’t have access to social support for child raising besides a contractually obligated male partner.

Nowadays, despite various political threats, the feminine generally can control whether or not she has a child. Her earning power is equal to and frequently greater than that of her masculine partner. She can and not uncommonly does bring up her children with little or no assistance from their father.

This is not dependency.

The tricky thing is, the feminine still clings to the benefits of dependency, and we do it in the name of love, romance, and happily ever after. The feminine has the sovereignty to support herself financially, provide herself with the life she aspires to, generate her own identity, keep herself safe, operate power tools, decide if she becomes a mother, and provide for her children. And she knows it. But…she would really much prefer that a handsome, brave, strong, capable masculine type fell head over heels and offered to do it all for her out of the strength of his love and desire.

And who could blame her when experience shows that it tends to work, at least in the short term?

It works because the masculine is seeking the kind of sex that feels like happiness. Back in the day, sex was a masculine prerogative. His wife depended on him for her material needs, but he did not depend on her for sex. As the feminine has gained power, though, his access to sex has become much more conditional. He can’t just take it or buy it anymore—he has to give the feminine something she wants in exchange for it.

And the feminine wants her fairy tale. In exchange, the masculine is promised, not just sex, but the super high octane form of sex that you have with someone you love, who loves you back, and accepts everything about you and makes you feel like the king of the world.

For a quick minute there, everyone gets what they want. The sex really does feel that good, and he’s perfectly happy to cater to her Disney princess as long as he’s king of the world. That’s love, and it’s even better than anyone ever imagined. It really is.

But then, while the love is still flowing freely, they put rings on each other’s fingers and say some pretty vows. And/or, she gets pregnant.

There is a reason the curtain comes down on the fairy tale at this point. The kind of sex that feels like happiness really struggles to survive in the marital and parental states, while the same conditions multiply her material needs exponentially. One of these people is getting a much better deal than the other. But by the time he figures this out, he’s locked in the tower, and the ransom for his release is half his material assets.

The feminine likes to argue at this point that turn about is fair play. But this only perpetuates the age-old gender war, and the consequences for keeping it going are pretty dire.

First, it makes the masculine want to hurt her. We’re filling a deep reservoir of masculine rage, which periodically combusts in the form of sexual assault, mass shootings, political efforts to return the feminine to structural dependency, and very nasty divorces.

Second, she hurts herself. When the feminine’s entire focus is on BEING desired, rather than desirING, she doesn’t choose the person—or the career, or the life—that she actually wants. She chooses what wants her. She learns to disregard her own desire. This has a hugely negative effect on her physical, mental, and spiritual health. It shows up as depression, anxiety, sexual dysfunction, physical illness of all kinds, and a supreme allergy to aging, which she sees as loss of her desirability and therefore power.

Third, she hurts her kids. She doesn’t give honest consideration to the question of whether she wants them. She has them because she maintains her right to be taken care of by the masculine by taking care of his children. There’s an incentive for her children to be dependent for a long time, and for them to be very expensive. Consequently, legal and functional adulthood keep receding closer and closer to middle age, and practically everyone can make an argument to a therapist that their parents effed them up.

So what’s the alternative?

It comes down to this. The essence of love is choice. Being desired and chosen by someone we in turn desire and choose. When the feminine makes herself dependent, she’s trying to put the masculine in a position where, morally and legally, he can’t un-choose her. But the minute he has no choice, love dies. She may manage to keep him, but she won’t keep his love. And she won’t keep loving him, either, when she needs him to support the life she built around him too much to admit she no longer wants him.

The only way she gets the fairy tale love—freely chosen by the one she chooses freely—is to stop behaving as if she is dependent. Imagine how much better the world would be if the feminine stopped pretending the masculine was stopping her from making her own money, working the way she wants to work, living the life she wants to live, raising kids—or not—the way she knows it should be done. If she stopped being afraid no one else will choose her if she chooses herself.

She should be asking different questions. Who and what would she choose if she didn’t need to be chosen first? And how could anyone truly choose her if she’s not choosing who to be?

The fairy tale love is possible. There is no limit on the number of times we can choose each other. Two people can wake up and choose each other every morning for a lifetime—maybe many lifetimes. But only if they’re free to choose.