Masculine Codependency

Can I say more about masculine codependency, and what it looks like in modern relationships?

So the masculine is dependent on the feminine because on a very deep level he believes that sex equals happiness. This is an emotional dependency masquerading as a physical dependency. If it were simply a matter of meeting an orgasm quota, that could be handled any number of ways that don’t involve the feminine. What the masculine seeks is an idealized emotional state that derives from physical pleasure gifted by a partner who loves, desires, and receives him.

The problem is, this is the addiction mechanism: seeking an emotional state that you think you can only get from an external source. That mechanism operates below conscious awareness, and it says: you will do whatever it takes to get this, because you NEED it. And if we look back over the last few thousand years of gender relations, we see some pretty desperate strategies employed by addicts in pursuit of their fix.

And not to rag on the masculine here. We’re all in recovery from this system.

So now feminine co-dependency kicks in and provides the masculine with a very clear script for servicing his addiction. Feminine dependency is rooted in the fear that she won’t be able to provide materially for herself and especially for her children without a partner. So if the masculine needs a feminine partner, the absolutely key thing is to commit to providing for her materially. If he wants her to STAY—which is what his dependency requires—he’s going to find himself following the material provider script. Not every guy can be a prince or a billionaire, but most guys can figure out how to hold down a steady job, make a mortgage payment, maintain a line of credit.

So this is dating, right? The masculine signals material competence. The feminine signals sexual potential. Sooner or later there’s a match. He says, hey baby, I can pay your way. And she says, cool, I will depend so heavily on your material support that I won’t be able to leave you. Now you have the foundation for “A successful marriage,” which is one that neither party can leave.

But the point of this whole exercise is that she is supposed to make him happy. And at some point, post wedding vows, he’s not going to be happy. When that happens, he’s going to look over at his drug of choice and think, “She’s not doing her job.” And this thought is probably going to take the form of, “The sex isn’t working.”

The sex has indeed stopped working, both because it isn’t an effective solution to the unhappiness problem, AND because as soon as sex becomes a contractual obligation, rather than a really fun game two autonomous beings choose to play together out of mutual desire, it loses its potency.

There are a few routes the masculine might take when he finds himself in this predicament, and, spoiler alert, none of them is going to make him happy.
He might try giving more to her, thinking that if she’s happier, she’ll make him happier. She won’t—she’ll just think he must be really happy with her since he’s treating her so well. He might complain, thinking she will definitely want to try harder if she knows how he feels. She won’t. She will feel criticized and return the favor by criticizing him, usually in the form of a list of chores. He might conclude that the game is stacked against him and try to poke holes in her happiness since she is not tending his. Some of these tactics are: absence, negligence, jealous policing, substance abuse, cheating, and worst case, violence. Depending on the strength of her dependency, these will either end the relationship or lead to marriage counseling. Neither will make him happier.

He could have an affair, but the many risks and pressures around this tend to make it unsustainable as a long-term solution.

Or he could end the marriage, concluding that they’re just wrong for each other. And they may BE wrong for each other, because remember, they picked each other out of mutual dependency, not because they truly, madly, deeply preferred one another to all other humans. However, until the dependency is addressed—the belief that he needs a feminine being to have sex with in order to make him happy—no other relationship is going to work any better for him in the long run.

So what’s the alternative?

It starts with this: sex is not the source of happiness. In fact, there is no universal source of happiness that works for everyone. Each of us has our own specific routes to it, and it cannot be generated for us by someone else or sourced from outside of ourselves. So we all have to take on the job of our own happiness. Here’s a quick and easy formula: 1. Quit doing the things that make you miserable. 2. Connect with nature. 3. Engage in your definition of play.

Next, we need to make a fully honest list of everything we need for our survival and well-being and make sure we can handle every single thing on that list without a partner. The only person we should depend on to meet our actual needs, as mature adult human beings, is ourselves. That’s how we stop being dependent.

And here’s what happens. When we don’t NEED another person for our happiness, and we don’t NEED another person to take care of us, then and only then do we become free to choose a partner purely because we WANT to be with them, and they WANT to be with us. And guess what? That is the only kind of partner with whom we can have the kind of sex that feels like happiness.