Why Are Relationships Painful?

Aquarian Answers Existential Helpdesk, this is Adrienne.

Why are relationships so painful?

On the one hand we’re being told by scientists that loneliness is more lethal than heart disease or smoking, and if we don’t have high quality relationships we’ll die a sad and early death. And on the other hand, good relationships seem utterly elusive. Lovers break our hearts, spouses disappoint us, our parents effed us up, our kids grow up and stop being around much, and friends come and go. We spend fortunes on relationship counseling of various kinds, but our relationships don’t really improve. What are we supposed to do about this?

Let’s start with this. Relationships are mirrors. They show us to ourselves.

Now, maybe in this age of selfies and photoshop and filters and avatars and AI-generated images, it’s not surprising that we’ve gotten confused about how to make effective use of a mirror. These days it’s very common to look in the mirror, notice all the flaws, and then go to work on the reflection. Fix the light, fix the angle, fix the background, apply a glamor… We put in a huge amount of effort getting the mirror to show us a version of ourselves that we want to see. And then, that’s a day. We post the photo and now we have made an appearance. We have shown ourselves the way we want to be seen. But we have spent absolutely no time living the actual life of the person we want to be.

A more productive way to use a mirror is to consult it for news of yourself, and then care for yourself accordingly. Maybe you look, and you like what you see, and you can go into your day with confidence. Or maybe you look, and your hair seems dirty, so you take a shower. Or there are bags under your eyes, so you drink extra coffee and then go to bed early. Or you have a pimple, so you apply some medicine and note that your period is imminent.

When our relationships are going well, it’s like looking in the mirror and seeing that you’re having a good hair day. Our best friend or our best beloved reflects back the healthy, happy, positive aspects of our being, and it feels really lovely. But say your best friend gets really busy and stops having time for you. Or your lover cheats on you. The instinctive response is to protest and get them to change their behavior. We want the best friend to go back to being the person who was the second to know every development of our lives. We want the lover to go back to treating us like we hung the moon. But getting them to change is the same as trying to get the mirror to reflect something different without addressing what’s going on with you.

So what is the mirror showing? In both cases, the unfaithful lover and the neglectful bestie, the mirror is showing that you don’t feel valuable. You don’t feel like a priority. You don’t come first. Invariably, you will be able to find evidence that you are treating yourself the same way. You are putting everyone else’s wants and desires above yours. You are too busy to attend to the things that make you feel truly valuable. You are seeking evidence of your value in the way other people treat you, so you are putting their priorities ahead of your own. Even if you could nag your best friend back into texting you 15 times a day and your lover into being very sorry and never cheating again…well, the idea is already not very satisfying, is it? Because you don’t want them to do it for the sake of appearances. You want it to be the truth. And the only way for your value and your place at the top of the priority list to be the truth is to give this gift to yourself. What makes you feel that your life has meaning and you are doing what you came here to do? How can you move that up your own priority list?

Okay, say that the thing that makes your life feel meaningful and valuable is making art. You clean out the spare bedroom and turn it into a studio and start giving yourself real time to create. Which of course means you have less time to hang out with your lover or text your bestie. How is this going to make your relationship with either of them less painful?

When you become someone who is prioritizing what is meaningful to you, and feeling valuable as a result, the mirrors will reflect this back to you. This could affect your existing relationships in either of two ways. Either the person will shift in positive ways and so continue to mirror the changes you are making, and your relationship will grow closer again. Or, the person will continue to reflect the old version of you, by chasing their value in other people’s eyes, and as you relate less and less to this reflection, your relationship with them will fade. And although you may miss what you had, other positive relationships will move in that will reflect the happier and more fulfilled you, and you won’t stay in pain for long.

It is not just your close relationships that act as mirrors—although the closer the relationship, the more intimate the mirror. Your attitude towards strangers at the grocery store, or your fellow drivers on the interstate, is also a mirror. Your physical health is a mirror. Your pets are mirrors. Your work is a mirror. Recurring situations in your life are mirrors. If these are positive, it’s good news, and you can carry on with confidence. But if they are causing you pain, try asking yourself, not how you can get the mirror to show you a happier-looking you, but how you can use the information in the mirror to take care of the part of yourself that is in pain.

Absolutely. My pleasure. Bye bye.